A Queer Turn of Events   by Lisa Lees	Episode map Characters Extras Blog
1:6 – "Twas the Night..." Part 1: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Part 2: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

[We interrupt our regular programming for a western civilization centric holiday filler thingie.]

"What are you doing Carys?" asked Jami. "Oh, I was looking around lj, in some of the writing communities I've joined." She smiled at Jami. "Living with you has encouraged me to be a little bit better connected than I used to be." "Technologically or sexually?" asked Tam, who had just walked into the bedroom. "Both, but I meant technologically." Jami and Tam moved closer to look at the paper Carys was reading. "So what is this?" "Looking back in one of my communities, I found a notice for this Spec the Halls thing. That made me think of this script I wrote a while back, when I was still in high school. Maybe I'll submit this, when the cooler part of the year comes around again.

A rough drawing from the 5x7 inch sketch pad Lisa takes to work with her.

"It looks like all I'd have to do is post the script in my lj and include a notice:
This script is a part of the Spec the Halls contest for speculative winter holiday-themed fiction, artwork, and poetry. You may find descriptions of and links to other entries at http://www.aswiebe.com/specthehalls.html. Hmm. That sounds easy."

THE NICK GANG

A Play in One Act
by Carys Douglas

For 3 - 7 performers:
  JUDGE
  BAILIFF (optional)
  D.A.
  NICK
  SHERIFF (optional)
  GUARDS  (optional)

Opens in courtroom. This is a hearing, so there is no jury. There
may be a COURT REPORTER who takes notes and scowls, a SHERIFF,
and a GUARD or two. NICK should be in jail clothes but with
traditional spectacles, beard and belly. The JUDGE should look
judicial and probably close to retirement. The D.A. (District
Attorney) is slick, efficient and willing to send her/his own
mother to jail for jaywalking. The BAILIFF may be combined with
the D.A. for a minimum cast of three.

JUDGE: Well, Nick, I've been expecting you to hit this town. I
       only wish it hadn't been while I was on the bench! (Bangs
       gavel. The JUDGE likes to bang her/his gavel.) Okay, let's
       get this hearing started. Bailiff! What are the charges?

BAILIFF: (Picking up what is clearly a long list.) Ahem! Making
       hit lists, running a gang, wearing gang clothing, smoking
       in public buildings, breaking and entry, assault. (Throws
       down list.) There's more, your Honor, but I think that's
       enough to begin with.

JUDGE: Quite right. (Bangs gavel.) Thank you. Prosecutor, please
       question the defendant.

 D.A.: (Steps close to witness chair, perhaps with thumbs in
       suspenders and a swagger.) You run a gang, right Nick?

 NICK: Well, I wouldn't call my elves a gang, but I guess I am
       the person who calls the shots.

 D.A.: Not a gang? You all dress alike, hang out in your
       clubhouse, have secret signs, and break into people's
       homes while they're sleeping! If that's not a gang, then
       I'm not the District Attorney!

 NICK: But we're delivering gifts! People want us to drop down
       their chimney. They leave milk and cookies for me.

 D.A.: Yeh, I can see you need to go on a diet. Delivering gifts,
       you say. Where do these 'gifts' come from? Who's behind
       your organization? Or does this explain some of the
       shoplifting and hijacking that goes on around here during
       the rest of the year?

 NICK: (Spluttering.) We make everything in our workshop at the
        North Pole!

 D.A.: The North Pole? Maybe, but where do you get the tools and
       materials? The North Pole is a little sparse on natural
       resources. And come to think of it, the North Pole is
       international territory. What are you doing there? Are you
       an American?

 NICK: (Getting angry.) A thief? An American? This is absolutely
       preposterous! I and my flying reindeer are a cherished
       multicultural institution!

 D.A.: Flying reindeer, eh? You got a permit to keep deer as
       pets? Are they on the endangered species list? And who
       gives you clearance to fly in that part of the world?

 NICK: You, you! (Throws hands up in air.) You're what's wrong
       with this world! Destroying the myths and traditions!
       (Pounds on railing in aggravation using both fists.)

 D.A.: Got a temper, huh? Is that why your gang attacked that
       French guy, Babar, when he tried to have a word with you?

 NICK: Attacked? My elves threw snowballs at that elephant and
       his noisy little dog. We've got a right to privacy!

JUDGE: (Bangs gavel.) I've heard enough! I've heard more than
       enough! (Bang.) Bailiff! Guards! Take him away and lock
       him up! Sheriff, find the rest of his gang and lock them
       up, too! We'll put an end to this nonsense!

       CURTAIN  

[Also published in Fragments of Gender, available from Lisa's Lulu.com store.]

To be continued...